A man was driving home one evening and realized that it was his daughter's birthday and he hadn't bought her a present. He drove to the mall and ran to the toy store and asked the store manager "How much is the new Barbie in the window?"
      
      The Manager replied, "Which one? We have, 'Barbie goes to the gym' for $19.95 ...
      
      'Barbie goes to the Ball' for $19.95 ...
      
      'Barbie goes shopping' for $19.95 ...
      
      'Barbie goes to the beach' for $19.95...
      
      'Barbie goes to the Nightclub' for $19.95 ...
      
      and 'Divorced Barbie' for $375.00."
      
      "Why is the Divorced Barbie $375.00, when all the others are $19.95?" Dad asked surprised.
      
      "Divorced Barbie comes with Ken's car, Ken's House, Ken's boat, Ken's dog, Ken's cat and Ken's furniture."

A man in desperate financial circumstances resorts to prayer after giving his dying business everything he's got.  He falls on his knees every night for a week and prays "Dear Lord, please, please, please - I've tried everything - I've invested every penny I had - I've done whatever I could, but my business has failed.  I will be ruined if I don't get a windfall.  Can you please make it so that I win the 150 million lotto?"

Come Friday night, someone else wins the jackpot.

Again he starts praying, this time in his backyard, every night for many days.  "Dear Lord, can you please make it so that I win the 100 million jackpot on the state lottery?"

Come draw night, someone else wins the jackpot, again.

This time he goes to his roof top, bare feet and rosary in hand.  "Dear Lord, I have never failed you.  I have always been charitable.  I have never held back money from my relatives and friends.  I have never taken a penny in bribes.  This is the one and only time I've desperately turned to you for help and you keep denying me.  Why, Lord, WHY?"

The clouds rumble and a booming voice says, "Next time you might want to buy the damn lottery tickets you keep praying for before you start whining!!"

During the wedding rehearsal, the groom approached the minister with an unusual offer. "Look, I'll give you $100 if you'll change the wedding vows. When you get to me and the part where I'm to promise to 'love, honor and obey' and 'forsaking all others, be faithful to her forever,' I'd appreciate it if you'd just leave that part out." He passed the minister the cash and walked away satisfied. The wedding day arrives, and the bride and groom have moved to that part of the ceremony where the vows are exchanged. When it comes time for the groom's vows, the minister looks the young man in the eye and says, "Will you promise to prostrate yourself before her, obey her every command and wish, serve her breakfast in bed every morning of your life and swear eternally before God and your lovely wife that you will not ever even look at another woman, as long as you both shall live?" The groom gulped and looked around, and said in a tiny voice, "Yes." The groom leaned toward the minister and hissed, "I thought we had a deal." The minister put the $100 into his hand and whispered back, "She made me a much better offer."

Four contestants for a job were asked the same question by the final interviewer, "What is the fastest thing in the world?"

The first guy replied "The blink of an eye - it's faster than anything I've seen"

The second guy replied "A thought - it takes no time to think one"

The third guy replied "Electricity - it takes no time to turn on a light many miles away with the single turn of a switch"

The fourth guy replied "Diarrhoea - last night I got an awful pain in my stomach and before I could blink, think, or turn on the light......!!!!"

A husband is sitting at home when he hears his wife's car screech to a halt in the driveway, followed by a frantic clip-clop of heels, before she bursts into the house and yells "PACK YOUR BAGS MISTER, I WON A 10 MILLION DOLLAR LOTTERY!!!!"

"Oh My GOD!!!", screams back the husband.  "What should I pack - mountain clothes, beach clothes???"

"Doesn't matter buster, as long as you get the hell out of my house and never show me your face again!!!" says the wife

Jim and Mary were both patients in a Mental Hospital. One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Jim suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sunk to the bottom and stayed there. Mary promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled Jim out.

When the medical director became aware of Mary's heroic act he immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as he now considered her to be mentally stable.

When he went to tell Mary the news he said, "Mary, I have good news and bad news. The good news is you're being discharged because since you were able to jump in and save the life of another patient, I think you've regained your senses. The bad news is, Jim, the patient you saved, hung himself with his bathrobe belt in the bathroom. I am so sorry, but he's dead."

Mary replied "He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry."

A guy was in a supermarket when he noticed an old lady following him around. Whenever he stopped, she stopped, and she also kept staring at him.

She finally overtook him just before the checkout where she turned to him and said: "I hope I haven't made you feel uncomfortable - it's just that you look so much like my late son."

"Oh, that's ok," he said, feeling really sad for the old soul.

"I know it's silly," she continued, "but if you called out 'Goodbye, Mother' as I leave, it would make me ever so happy."

"Of course," he said.

The old lady proceeded through the checkout and as she left the supermarket, the man called out "Goodbye Mother." The old lady waved back, and smiled very kindly.

Pleased he had brought a bit of sunshine to someone's day the man went to pay for his groceries.

"That'll be $105.35," said the clerk.

"What??? How come????" inquired the man, completely confused. "I've only bought bread, milk, and eggs!"

"Yeah, but your mother bought the whole week's groceries and said you'll pay for her!!"

Sherlock Holmes and faithful companion Dr. Watson were on a stakeout in a very complicated mystery set in a hillside town.  They had put up a tent to stay conveniently within reach of the suspect's mansion.  On their first night in the tent, Holmes asked Watson some questions and repeatedly belittled him for not knowing the answer, frankly irking Watson to the point of secretly cursing Holmes to death. 

The next night, not prepared to take anything casually, Watson was prepared to give his best, most thought out answers to any questions, yet none came.  At least not until both had been fast asleep for a few hours.  Holmes woke Watson up in the middle of their slumber and said, "Watson, look at the sky and tell me what's going on!!" 

Gazing at the sky, Watson replied, "Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three. Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful and that we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you?"

Holmes went silent for a minute and then said, "Elementary dear Watson, someone's stolen our tent!! "

This could be just anyone's employer, no? Read on....

Global Corporate Employee Policy Effective February 2007

Dress Code

1. It is advised that you come to work dressed according to your salary. If we see you wearing Puma shoes and Gucci sunglasses, we assume you are doing well financially and therefore do not need a pay raise.

2. If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage your money better, so that you may buy nicer clothes, and therefore you do not need a pay raise.

3. If you dress just right, you are right where you need to be and therefore you do not need a pay raise.

Sick Days

We will no longer accept a doctor's certificate as proof of sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.

Holidays

Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year. They are called Saturday & Sunday.

Compassionate Leave

There is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for dead friends, relatives or co-workers. Every effort should be made to have non-employees attend to the arrangements. In rare cases where employee involvement is necessary, the funeral should be scheduled in the late afternoon. We will be glad to allow you to work through your lunch hour and subsequently leave one hour early.

Toilet Use

1. Entirely too much time is being spent in the toilet. There is now a strict three-minute time limit in the bathroom.

2. At the end of three minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, the bathroom door will open, and your picture will be taken.

3. After your second offence, your picture will be posted on the company notice board under the "Chronic Offenders" category.

4. Anyone caught smiling in the picture will be sanctioned under the company's mental health policy.

Lunch Break

1. Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch, as they need to eat more so that they can look healthy.

2. Normal-size people get 15 minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal to maintain their average figure.

3. Chubby people get 5 minutes for lunch, because that's all the time needed to drink a Slim-Fast.

Remember we are an employer of choice and we are here to provide a positive employment experience. Therefore, all questions, comments, concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplations, consternation and input should be directed elsewhere. Thank you for your loyalty to our company!

SMS is serious business for those with a funny bone...you won't believe how many you can find on the Internet to choose and use on your next SMS victim ...here's a few we found...

1. New eye test, read quickly: woof, shoof, roof, toof, woof, boof, loof, hoof, woof...good dog, you can stop barking now!

2. When U wake up, remember 2 pray for yr own sake and take a bath for heaven's sake!

3. CNN News. Bush orders 15,000 FBI trained dogs to track down Osama. FBI awaiting further orders as one of the dogs is reading this

4. This dog, is dog, a dog, good dog, way dog, to dog, keep dog, an dog, idiot dog, busy dog, for dog, 20 dog, seconds dog! ... Now read without the word dog

5. To colleague: I've used up all my sick days, so I'm calling in dead.

1. You are different and that's bad
2. The boy who died from eating all his vegetables
3. Dad's new wife Robert
4. Fun four-letter words to know and share
5. Hammers, screwdrivers and scissors: An I-can-do-it Book
6. The kids' guide to hitch-hiking
7. Curious george and the high-voltage fence
8. All cats go to hell
9. The little sissy who snitched
10. The Fork in the Electrical Outlet and other fun party games
11. Grandpa gets a casket
12. Garfield gets feline leukemia
13. Strangers have the best candy
14. Whining, kicking and crying to get your way
15. Things rich kids have, but you never will
16. Pop goes the hamster...and other great microwave games
17. Your nightmares are real
18. Daddy drinks because you cry
19. Fox in Detox
20. When it rains, the angels are crying, and it was probably something you did!

A man was suffering from a strange form of amnesia.  After consulting many doctors, the family was referred to a specialist who agreed to make a house call given the delicate state of the patient.

After a long consultation, the doctor finally wrote a prescription with many complicated medicines and left the family with a promise to call again the following week.

Ten minutes later the door bell rang.  The doctor was back. "Is everything okay, doctor?" asked the wife. 

"Yes, yes...er...I...ahem...forgot my bag!!" replied the doctor

David: "Brian, you've really transformed since you met Jenny...you don't drink any more, you've quit smoking, you're jogging 5 miles a day, and I haven't seen you so financially stable and secure in years!"

Brian: "Yes, that's really true...she really inspired me to turn a new leaf!"

David: "So why don't you marry her?"

Brian: "And make my life hell again?"

A young lawyer is busy wrapping up some research for a senior partner when suddenly, the lights in his office start flickering, the floor rumbles, and BAM, the devil himself appears on the other side of his desk.

"What the ... ", exclaims the lawyer, aghast

"Let's keep it short - I can arrange things so that you will make 4 times your salary, the partners will love you, in fact you will be a partner within six months, and you no longer have to work more than 40 hours a week!  All I want in return is your wife's soul, the souls of your 2 children, and the souls of their children to rot in hell for eternity!!!"

The lawyer thinks for a few moments and then asks, "What's the catch?"

A doctor is walking back from lunch when he sees one of his patients standing on the curb outside his clinic, clutching a street pole. 

The doctor goes up to the guy and tries to ask him what is wrong, but the guy says nothing.  He doesn't talk or move his eyes; he seems frozen and breathing very, very slowly.

Panicking, the doctor runs inside and asks his nurse what happened to the patient.  "I thought I told you to give him a cough syrup and let him go!"

"Well he was complaining so much that nothing works for his cough that I gave him laxatives instead.  Now he won't dare cough!!"

As Christmas approached, a kindergarten teacher started receiving presents from her students. 

The first day a florist's daughter walked up to her with a box and said "Ms. Benson can you guess what's in there?"  Smiling, the teacher shook the box and said, "I know, this must be a plant!", making the girl very happy.

The next day, a butcher's boy walked up to her with a large, very cold package - "I bet I know what this is...steak??" - "YEAYYYYY" screamed the boy with utter surprise and delight.

The third day a liquor store owner's boy walked up to her with a large basket that seemed to be leaking at the bottom.  The teacher smiled, held it up, and pretended to wonder what it could be.  She licked the liquid leaking from the basket and said, "Hmm....I think this is wine!"

"Nope" replied the boy, giggling

The teacher got herself another taste and said, "Champagne?"

"Naa aaaan" replied the boy, giggling more furiously

The teacher tried again and said "Scotch?"

"It's a PUPPY Ms. Benson!!!!" howled the boy with laughter

THE SIX LEGGED TURKEY:

A turkey farmer's family was very fond of the leg portion.  Every thanksgiving, there would be a huge fight over which two lucky people got the legs.  Tired of the misery that lingered through the feast after the legs were gone, the farmer engaged a genetic engineer.  Together they strived for almost a year until they finally produced a six legged turkey.  Satisfied, the engineer got his pay and flew home.  The night of thanksgiving, he called up the farmer and asked how the feast went with the six legged turkey on the table.

"What turkey? I could never catch the damn thing!!!" replied the farmer

ANY BIGGER?

Surprised at the increasing size of turkeys every year, an old lady looking for a bird for her family feast, idly commented to the grocery boy, "Wow, do these turkeys get any bigger?" After a short pause the boy replied, "No ma'am, they are dead!"

• No cash on board - we only hire married men!
• My other car is a broom
• Jenna Bush stole my ID
• My dog is smarter than your honor student
• So many cats, so few recipes
• Your kid may be an honor student, but you drive like a jerk
• Honk if you want to wake up the guy in my trunk
• Zero to psycho in 3.5 seconds
• Watch for finger!
• If you were any closer, you'd be lying dead in my trunk
• Work harder - the poor need your taxes

A farmer is making his way back home when he sees his neighbor's son stranded in the middle of the road, his cart overturned.  The boy is furiously trying to get the cart up and screaming, "Oh Pa is going to kill me!!!"

The farmer, feeling really bad for the boy, yells out "Hey John, come with me; let's go get the boys from my house and we'll come back to help you get the cart up!"

"Oh no Mr. Brown, Pa will kill me!", says John

"Don't be ridiculous; you can't lift this thing by yourself - hop on!" says Mr. Brown

Reluctantly, John gets on Mr. Brown's carriage and they ride over to his farm.  There, Mrs. Brown has laid out a fancy lunch. She and Mr. Brown insist that John join them - he keeps saying "Oh Pa will kill me!" but sits down and enjoys a hearty meal of roast beef, corn on the cob, and mashed potatoes.

After they've eaten and Mr. Brown has smoked a cigar, John says "Mr. Brown, Pa is going to kill me!"

"Oh yes...let's go get your cart up and then I'll go see your father with you...where is he anyway?" says Mr. Brown

"Under the cart!" whispers John

One fine October afternoon, when people were sitting around enjoying the warm sun, they heard a big thud.  A man had fallen from the 3rd floor of an apartment building.

Everyone quickly gathered around and were relieved to see he was alive and unhurt.

"What happened, Mister???" asked a concerned onlooker

Looking around at the crowd, the fallen man said, "I don't know, I just got here myself!!"

A US Navy ship was on route to an undisclosed location when a severe storm caused it to veer off course.  The Captain was on deck, shouting orders, his men running around in complete and utter chaos when suddenly, they all saw a light dead ahead of the ship, on a total collision course.

Jumping on the radio, the Captain bellowed, "This is USS-Nebraska, change your course 60 degrees west!"

"You change your course 60 degrees west!" came the reply

"I'm a US Navy Captain and I'm ordering you to change your course 60 degrees west!" yelled the Captain

"I'm a retired sergeant from the US Marines and I'm telling you to change YOUR course 60 degrees west!" came the reply

"Listen, this is USS-Nebraska, a navy frigade, you better change your course 60 degrees west 'cause I'm not doing it!" the Captain screamed

"This is a light house, buddy, your call!!" came the calm reply

A man was walking towards the bus station in the morning, when he a voice whispered urgently in his ear, "Stop! The tree in front of you is going to fall!" Startled, the man stopped to look around who had spoken to him when BANG! A tree a few steps ahead of him did indeed come crashing down exactly where he would have been if he hadn't stopped.

Shaken up and confused, he went around the tree and walked towards the bus stop. A few feet later, the same voice whispered urgently in his ear, "Careful! That bus is about to go out of control and crash into the sidewalk!!" And sure enough, the bus came swaying into the street corner just as the man jumped a few feet back and slammed into the exact spot he would have been on if he had gone forward.

"WHO ARE YOU???" screamed the man, "Why are you telling me all this and why can't I see you???"

"I'm your guardian angel," whispered the voice, "I protect you from fatal accidents!!"

"Oh yeah?? Where were you last month when I got married???" whispered the man

A young guy was having a furious row with his parents over things that parents usually find objectionable in growing children, e.g. coming home late, not focusing on their studies, too many phone calls from friends, etc. etc. etc.

Finally, after an hour of yelling and screaming, the boy got up and said "FINE!! If you can't see me enjoying my life, hanging out with my friends, going out with girls, and eating and drinking what I want then I will leave this house!! I'm going where there are no restrictions, no questions, no limits on what I can do or eat!!!!!" and he picked up his back pack and stormed out the door.

A few minutes later, his father caught up with him on the street corner where he was waiting for a bus.

"What now???" asked the son in a weary voice.

"Can I come with you???" whispered the father.

A press photographer running low on material and high on bills was desperately seeking new assignments.  One day he got a call that President Musharraf's motorcade had been in an explosion and nobody could get near the site to take pictures.  Thinking fast, he called a friend with connections and sure enough, he was told to go to the flying club and hitch a ride with the friend's friend who would fly him low over the scene of the explosion so he could get his pictures.

The photographer sped away to the flying club and there it was - a small plane warming up near the runway. Throwing his gear in and jumping on to the plane he yelled "let's go, let's go!!". 

The pilot took off in a hurry while the photographer yelled "fly to the west and then make four low passes where you see the president's motorcade!" 

The pilot yelled back "What? Why??" 

The photographer cried "Because I have to take pictures!!"

"What pictures?" yelled the pilot

"For the papers, you dummy, I'm a press photographer and that's why I got on the plane with you!"

After a silence of about 30 seconds, the pilot yelled back, "So you are not the instructor?!?"

A family from a small village somewhere in rural South Asia decided to take a trip to the big city with money they made off selling their lands. 

At the hotel, they went up to find out how they could check in.  While waiting in line, they saw that people were walking down the aisle and disappearing into walls.  Curious, the father and son strolled towards the aisle, leaving the mom behind.

Having never seen elevators before, they were mesmerized by the shiny silver doors with glittering lights and arrows on top. Just then, an old woman, hunched at the back, barely able to walk, walked up and pressed a button.  The doors opened and she went in.  Some lights flashed, the arrows moved, first in one direction, then in the reverse direction and 2 minutes later, when the door opened again, a beautiful young woman walked out.

"What is this baba?", asked the boy. 

"I have no idea," replied the father, "but go get your mother right now..she's going in!!!!"

In a world-wide UN Survey, nationals of different countries were asked to respond to one question, "Please give your honest opinion about the shortage of food in the rest of the world"

The survey was a miserable failure...

In Saudi Arabia, they did not know what please meant...
In India and Pakistan, they did not know was honest was...
In China, they did not know what opinion was...
In European countries, they did not know what shortage was...
In African countries, people didn't know what food meant...
and in the US...they did not what the "rest of the world" was!

A Minneapolis couple decided to go to Florida to thaw out during a particularly icy winter. They planned to

stay at the same hotel where they spent their honeymoon 20 years ago. Because of hectic schedules,it was difficult to coordinate their travel itineraries, so the husband left a day earlier.  When he checked into the hotel he saw that unlike years ago, there was a computer in his room, so he decided to send an email to his wife. However, he accidentally left out one letter in her email address, and without noticing his error, sent the email.

Meanwhile...somewhere in Atlanta, a widow had just returned home from her husband's funeral, a

minister. The widow decided to check her email,expecting messages from relatives and friends. After reading the first message, she screamed and fainted.  The widow's children rushed into the room, found the mother on the floor; they glanced up and saw the computer screen which read:

To: My Loving Wife
Date: Friday, October 13, 2005
Subject: I have Arrived!

Dearest Love:

I know you are surprised to hear from me. I have just arrived and have been checked in. They have computers here now and you are allowed to email your loved ones.

I see that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow.  I look forward to seeing you
then. Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was.

P.S. Sure is freaking hot down here!!

On learning that his wife has gone into labor, a man is rushing to the hospital.

On the way, he calls up his father-in-law to check on the wife.

Accidentally, he is connected to a cricket fanatic, watching the Pakistan-England series and waiting for a friend to come over.

Here's how the conversation went before the guy fainted!!

"Hello - I'm on my way over - what's the situation?"

"Unbelievable!! We've got 7 out, and the next 3 should be out in an hour; oh, and the last two were ducks!"

A monkey with some bad habits is sitting in a tree, smoking a joint.

A little lizard walks up to him and says "hey, what are you doing?"

"Smoking a joint," replies the monkey. "Come up and have some!"

So the lizard joins him.  After a while, the lizard gets thirsty and moves to get a drink of water.  But being really stoned, it tips over and falls into the river.

A crocodile sees the lizard fall and helps it to the side.  "What happened to you?" asks the crocodile.  The lizard explains.

Responsible as crocodiles are, he decides to go find the monkey and put an end to this nonsense.  He crawls into the forest and finds the tree where the monkey is sitting, happily puffing away.

"Hey you!!" the crocodile yells.

The monkey looks down and says to the crocodile..."Holy cow, dude, how much water DID YOU DRINK?!?"

When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her.
(Sacha Guitry)

After marriage, husband and wife become two sides of a coin; they just can't face each other, but still they stay together. (Hemant Joshi)

By all means marry. If you get a good wife, you'll be happy. If you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher. (Socrates)

The great question... which I have not been able to answer... is, "What does a woman want? (Sigmund Freud)

"Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays." (Henry Youngman)

"There's a way of transferring funds that is even faster than electronic banking. It's called marriage." (James Holt McGavran)

"I've had bad luck with both my wives. The first one left me and the second one didn't." (Patrick Murray)

The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once... (Anonymous)

My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met. (Rodney Dangerfield).

A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong. (Milton Berle).

Three construction workers were working on the top floor of a 60 story building in New York.  Every day, they met for lunch.  After a few days, one of them opened up his lunchbox and said, "If I see these damn peanut butter and jelly sandwiches again in my lunchbox I'm going to jump from the roof!"

Seeing this as a new level of sharing in their friendship, the second one opened up his lunchbox and said, "And if I see this horrendous spaghetti and meatballs in my lunchbox again, I'm going to jump with you!"

The third one opened up his lunchbox and shouted, "AND IF SEE THIS DAMN FISH AND CHIPS COMBO AGAIN IN MY LUNCHBOX I'LL JUMP BEFORE EITHER OF YOU!!"

The next day, they all gather solemnly on the rooftop and start opening their lunch boxes.  Sure enough, it's the same menu.  The third guy jumps first, and the other two follow.

On their collective funeral service, the first one's wife, crying, says, "If only I knew how much he hated his sandwiches, I'd have made something different for him."

The second one's wife joins in and says, "I know; I thought he loved spaghetti and meatballs!! How I wish I'd given him something different."

They both look towards the third one's wife, who is sitting with a shocked expression on her face.  She looks back and says, "I just don't understand how it got to this...he used to pack his own lunch every day!"

Shortly after "equal opportunity" was introduced in corporate Africa, a leading edge firm hired four cannibals.

On the orientation day, the Vice President for Human Resources met with the four cannibals individually and said, "Look, I know this is a new experience for you, and it will be a stretch, but PLEASE don't eat any of your colleagues!"

All the cannibals agreed.

One day, an emergency meeting was called.  A secretary had not reported to work.  Everyone was interrogated, including the cannibals, who denied having any knowledge of the missing secretary.

An hour later, the most senior cannibal called all the cannibals together and asked, "Okay, I'm not the police, so I can't be fooled.  Now which one of you greedy pigs ate the secretary?"

Sheepishly, one cannibal raised his hand.

"You damn fool!!! For 3 months we've stuck to our rules and only eaten managers...nobody even noticed...but NOOOOOO, you HAD to go and eat a SECRETARY?!?!?"

A Chinese panda transits into the Lahore zoo on his way to Washington DC. In the two weeks he stays there, he makes sure that every animal knows of how lucky he is to be headed over to the US. How he will be fed to his heart's content, live in a centrally airconditioned cage, appear on CNN, greet Ivy League students, and so on.

The lion, most frustrated with the two lbs. of meat he gets each day, kids who throw popcorn and chickpeas at him, and the small congested cage, can't stand how a "panda" could get so lucky.

He decides to get crafty and plays up to the panda's caretakers in such a way that one of them really falls for him and makes arrangements to take him to DC as well.

Excited about his new home, the lion can't stop smiling and dreaming about his centrally airconditioned abode, thick juicy steaks, and civilized visitors who won't force him to bite them.

In DC, the lion is thrilled to see the zoo. The cage is indeed spacious and airy. The plumbing and fixtures are excellent. The zoo is huge and beautiful. Tired and content on making the best move of his life, he falls asleep.

Next morning, he is smacking his lips waiting for a thick juicy steak when a delivery boy drops a bushel of bamboo leaves in his cage.

"What is this?" the lion asks.

"Your food!" Quietly, the lion wonders if this is out of concern for his stomach being sensitive to a new place or something. He decides to ignore it.

The next day, again he gets a bushel of bamboo leaves. He gets a little mad.

The third day, as the delivery boy is slipping the leaves into the cage, the lion grabs his arm and says, "What the hell are you doing serving me bamboo leaves? I'm a lion!! The KING of the JUNGLE. Just because I'm in a cage doesn't mean you can serve me anything you want. Do you understand?"

The delivery boy looks him up and down and calmly replies, "Well you should have thought of all that before entering the US on a Panda's Spouse Visa!!"

During a dinner party, the hosts' two little children entered the dining room totally nude and walked slowly around the table. The parents were so embarrassed that they pretended nothing was happening and kept the conversation going. The guests cooperated and also continued as if nothing extraordinary was happening.

After going all the way around the room, the children left.  There was a moment of silence at the table, broken by one child's excited whisper from outside the door, "I told you...it is vanishing cream!"

A first grade teacher was reading the story of Chicken Little to her class.  She came to the part where Chicken Little tried to warn the farmer.

She read, "And so Chicken Little went up to the farmer and said, 'The sky is falling, the sky is falling!'"

The teacher paused then asked the class, "And what do you think that farmer said?"

One little girl raised her hand and said, "I think he said: ' Holy Makerel! A talking chicken?!?'"

A lady awoke one morning and discovered her dog was not moving. She called the Vet who asked her to bring the dog in. After a brief examination the Vet pronounced the dog dead.

"Are you sure?" the distraught woman asked. The Vet paused for a moment and said, "There is one more thing we can do to make sure".

He left the room for a moment and returned carrying a large cage with a cat inside it. The Vet opened the cage door and the cat walked over to the dog, sniffed the dog from head to toe, and then went back to the cage.

"Well, that confirms it!" said the Vet,"your dog has got to be dead!"

Satisfied that the Vet had done everything he could, the woman sighed, "How much do I owe you?"

"That will be $330" the Vet replied.

"I don't believe it!" Said the woman, "What did you do that cost $330?????"

"Well," said the Vet, "its $30 for the office visit and $300 for the CAT SCAN!!"

A tour bus is driving a bus full of seniors down a highway when a lady taps a young man on the shoulder and hands him a hand full of almonds.  He is pleasantly surprised and gratefully munches them up.  After about fifteen minutes she repeats the gesture, and hands him more almonds.  She repeats this about eight times.  The ninth time the young guy asks, "Why don't you eat the almonds yourself?" To which the old lady replies that they are not able to chew the almonds because of their teeth.  "Why do you buy them if you can't chew them?" the young guy asks, puzzled.  The old lady replies, "We just love the chocolate around them."

A guy is passing by a mental hospital, fenced in by a concrete wall, when he hears a chanting on the inside "Thirteen! Thirteen! Thirteen!"  Curious to see what's going on, he finds a hole in the wall and bends in to look.  Someone inside pokes him hard in the eye and everyone inside starts chanting "Fourteen! Fourteen! Fourteen!"

A psychiatrist was doing his rounds when he entered a patient's room.

He found Patient #1 sitting on the floor, pretending to saw a piece of wood in half. Patient #2 was hanging from the ceiling, by his feet.

The doctor asked patient#1 what he was doing.

The patient replied, "Can't you see I'm sawing this piece of wood in half?"

The doctor inquired of patient #1 what patient #2 was doing.

Patient #1 replied, "Oh, he's my friend, but he's a little crazy. He thinks he's a lightbulb. "

The doctor looks up and notices patient#2's face is going all red and says, "Shouldn't you get him down from there before he hurts himself"

Patient #1 replies, "What? and work in the dark?"

"Hi? is this the mental hospital"?

"Yes" it is.

"Can i speak to Mr. Scott in room ten"?

"One moment, I'll connect you........... I'm sorry, Mr Scott is not answering."

"Good. That means that I must have really escaped."

A small boy came running to his mom, shouting, "Mom! Mom! I cleaned my room without being asked to!"

"Well," said the mother, "that's wonderful! Thank you very much. It will save me a lot of trouble and it shows that you are a big boy now".

"But, Mom" said the boy, "don't jump to conclusions!"

"I don't understand, dear, " said the mother, "conclusions?"

"Yeah, Mom" said the boy, "this isn't going to become a habit!"

Four people are in an airplane: a pilot, the richest man in the world, the smartest man in the world, and a young teenager. The airplane experiences some difficulties and the pilot informs the passengers that the plane will crash, and that there are only three parachutes on the plane. The richest man in the world takes one, because he says if he dies his lawyers will sue everyone on the plane. The smartest man in the world takes one, and says the world cannot survive without him.  So the pilot says to the teenager, "Looks like we'll have to fight over the third parachute!"

"That won't be necessary", says the teenager. "The smartest man in the world took my back pack!"

"Do you believe in life after death?" a boss asked one of his employees.

"Yes sir" said the clerk, "I do!"

"That's great," said the boss. "Because yesterday, after you left to go to your grandmother's funeral, she came by to see you!"

Cannibals capture three men. The men are told that they will be skinned and eaten and then their skin will be used to make canoes. Then they are each given a final request. The first man asks to be killed as quickly and painlessly as possible. His request is granted, and they poison him. The second man asks for paper and a pen so that he can write a farewell letter to his family. This request is granted, and after he writes his letter, they kill him - saving his skin for their canoes. Now it is the third man's turn. He asks for a fork. The cannibals are confused, but it is his final request, so they give him a fork. As soon as he has the fork he begins stabbing himself all over and shouts, "To hell with your canoes!" 

A pregnant woman gets into a car accident and falls into a deep coma.  Asleep for nearly six months, she wakes up and sees that she is no longer pregnant. Frantically, she asks the doctor about her baby.  
The doctor replies, "Ma'am, you had twins! A boy and a girl. The babies are fine. Your brother came in and named them."  
The woman thinks to herself, "Oh no, not my brother -- he's an idiot!" Expecting the worst, she asks the doctor, "Well, what's the girl's name?"  
"Denise," the doctor says.  
The new mother thinks, "Wow, that's not a bad name! Guess I was wrong about my brother. I like Denise!" Then she asks the doctor, "What's the boy's name?"  
The doctor replies, "DeNephew".

A young girl walked up to her mother and stared at her hair. As mother scrubbed on the dishes, the girl cleared her throat and sweetly asked; "Why do you have some grey strands in your hair?" 
The mother paused and looked at her daughter. "Every time you disobey me, I get one strand of grey hair. If you want me to stay pretty, you better start listening to me!" 
The mother quickly returned to her task of washing dishes. The little girl stood there thinking. She cleared her throat again. "Mother?" She sweetly asked again. 
"Yes?" Her Mother replied. "Why is Grandma's hair all grey?"

Two bats are hanging in their cave. One turns to the other and says, "Oh, I'm really thirsty for some fresh blood."
The other bat is amazed and says, "Well, it’s a bit late. It's almost daylight and we can't be exposed to any light - you know we'll die."
"Yeah, I know," says the first bat, "but I'm really starving for it."
So he flies out of the cave and returns five minutes later with blood dripping from his mouth.
"You lucky thing. Where'd you find blood that quick?" asked the second bat.
"You see that tree over there in the distance?" mumbled the bat, his mouth full of blood.
"Yeah, I think I do!"
"Well, I didn't."

A police officer sees a man driving around with a pickup truck full of penguins. He pulls the guy over and says, "You can't drive around with penguins in this town! Take them to the zoo immediately."

The guy says okay, and drives away. The next day, the officer sees the guy still driving around with the truck full of penguins -- and they're all wearing sunglasses. He pulls the guy over and demands, "I thought I told you to take these penguins to the zoo yesterday?"

The guy replies, "I did. Today I'm taking them to the beach!"

An idiot decided to start a chicken farm, so he bought a hundred chickens to start. A month later, he returned to the dealer for another hundred chickens because all of the first lot had died. A month later he was back at the dealers for another hundred chickens for the second lot had also died. "But I think I know where I'm going wrong," said the idiot. "I think I am planting them too deep."

A guy desperately needs a job and decides to apply at the zoo. As it happened, their star attraction, a gorilla, had passed away the night before and they had carefully preserved his hide. They tell this guy that they'll pay him well if he would dress up in the gorilla’s skin and pretend to be the gorilla so people will keep coming to the zoo. Well, the guy has his doubts, but he needs the money, so he puts on the skin and goes out into the cage. The people all cheer to see him. He plays up to the audience and they just eat it up. This isn't so bad, he thinks, and he starts really putting on a show, jumping around, beating his chest and roaring and swinging around. During one acrobatic attempt, he loses his balance and crashes through some safety netting, landing square in the middle of the lion cage! As he lies there stunned, the lion roars. He's terrified and starts screaming, "Help, Help, Help!" The lion races over to him, places his paws on his chest and hisses, "Shut up or we'll BOTH lose our jobs!"

Two snakes were lying on the grass when one suddenly hissed, 'Hey Simon, quick...are we the type of snakes who wrap ourselves around our prey and squeeze and crush until they're dead? Or are we the type of snakes who ambush our prey and bite them and they are poisoned?"

The second snake hisses, "Why are you asking?"

The first one replies: "Just tell me you idiot, I just bit my lip!"

One day little Sue was complaining to her mother that her stomach hurt. Her mother replied, “That’s because it's empty. Maybe you should try putting something in it."

The next day, Grandma was over at Sue's house for lunch. After a while she groaned and when Sue asked her what was wrong, she replied, "Nothing honey, my head hurts, that's all."

"That's because it's empty. Maybe you should try putting something in it," came Sue's quick advice!

One afternoon, a wealthy lawyer was riding in the back of his limousine when he saw two men eating grass by the road side. He ordered his driver to stop and got out to investigate.

"Why are you eating grass?" he asked one man.
"We don't have any money for food," the poor man replied.
"Oh, come along with me then."
"But sir, I have a wife with two children!"
"Bring them along! And you, come with us too!", he said to the other man.
"But sir, I have a wife with six children!" the second man answered.
"Bring them as well!"

They all climbed into the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as large as the limo. Once underway, one of the poor fellows says, "Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us with you."

The lawyer replied, "No problem, the grass at my home is about two feet tall!"

Hiccups!

A man goes into a drug store and asks the pharmacist if he can give him something for hiccups.

The pharmacist promptly reaches out and slaps the man's face.

"What the heck did you do that for!?!" the man screams. "Well, you don't have the hiccups anymore do you?"

The man says, "No I don't, you IDIOT... But my wife out in the car still does!"

A guy hosted a dinner party for people from work, including his boss.

All during the sit-down dinner, the host's three-year-old girl stared at her father's boss sitting across from her. The girl could hardly eat her food from staring.

The man checked his tie, felt his face for food, patted his hair in place, but nothing stopped her from staring at him. He tried his best to just ignore her but, finally it was too much for him.

He asked her, "Why are you staring at me?"

Everyone at the table had noticed her behavior and the table went quiet for her response.

The little girl said, "My Daddy said you drink like a fish and I don't want to miss it!"

Gotta' Love That Fairy!

A man and his wife, now in their 60's, were celebrating their 40th wedding anniversary. On their special day a good fairy came to them and said that because they had been such a devoted couple she would grant each of them a very special wish. The wife wished for a trip around the world with the husband. Whoosh! Immediately she had airline and cruise tickets in her hands. The man wished for a female companion 30 years younger than him. Whoosh! Immediately he turned ninety!!!

And They Say Blondes Are Dumb?!?

A housework-challenged husband decides to prove his nagging wife wrong and do his own laundry. A few minutes after he disappears into the laundry room, he yells out to the wife "What setting do I use for my sweatshirt?" The wife yells back "What does it say on your sweatshirt?"

"University of Oklahoma!", replies the husband.

"I've been on a calendar, but I've never been on time." - Marilyn Munroe

"Always forgive your enemies, but never forget their names." - R. Kennedy

"Try not to become a man of success, but rather, try to become a man of value." -- Albert Einstein

Marriage is a wonderful institution, but who would want to live in an institution.- Henry Louis Mencken (1880-1956)

A celebrity is a person who works hard all his life to become well known, then wears dark glasses to avoid being recognized.  -Fred Allen

Don't worry about the world coming to an end today.  It is already tomorrow in Australia.  -Charles Schulz

"Love is the only force capable of transforming an enemy into a friend". --Martin Luther King, Jr.

"An eye for an eye makes the whole world blind". --Gandhi

"Keep your face to the sunshine and you will not see the shadows". - Helen Keller

"I'm an excellent housekeeper. Every time I get a divorce, I keep the house". - Zsa Zsa Gabor

"When a man steals your wife there is no better revenge than to let him keep her." - Sasha Guitry

"I’ve often wanted to drown my troubles, but I can't get my wife to go swimming." - Jimmy Carter

"You can get more with a kind word and a gun than you can with a kind word alone." - Al Capone

"If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?" - Abraham Lincoln

"The secret to creativity is knowing how to hide your sources." - Albert Einstein